I’d say we’re pretty close. We go everywhere together. She shares many of her life's most intimate details with me. It’s true that I know more about her than she does about me, but I guess it’s always that way with relationships, isn’t it? Some of us are just more observant than others. I don’t mind. After all, when I nearly drowned, and she had to live on her own while I underwent rice therapy, she confessed that she was bereft without me. I am the center of her universe.
Every morning starts the same. Today, I woke her as usual; Celine Dion singing My Heart Will Go On. Fortunately the song doesn’t, since Eloise always grabs me and shuts off the alarm with vigor. We do not share musical tastes; I prefer techno...Daft Punk really gets my circuits pulsing.
Of course, El immediately wants to know her schedule for the day, and I provide that information willingly. I’m as interested in what the day holds as she. Eloise cradles me tenderly while she answers her morning emails, gently stroking my digital keyboard.
“Siri, what is the average wing span of a condor?”
“Andean or California condor?” I reply.
“California, I guess…” she trails off. It never fails to amaze me that people can be so extremely vague in their desires. Even someone like El, whose job it is to help others with their problems. I believe that this is why humans are often disappointed or dissatisfied. They don’t really know what they want.
“The California condor is the largest North American land bird. Its wing span is the widest of any North American bird at 9.8 feet. It’s a vulture, you know. Eats dead things.” I like to take every opportunity to enrich, but my words fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t tell me who or what the data is for, she just moves on to the next email.
The phone rings, and Eloise answers it. We enter the bathroom together. Her morning routine begins with filling the bathtub.
She’s talking to her boyfriend, Hector. He is calling to apologize for his rudeness the other night. He admits that his behavior was thoughtless. He says they had all been drinking before she arrived, and Hector swears that his friends were just trying to be funny.
Eloise adds Paris Nights bubble bath to the tub and shifts the phone to her other ear.
“Well I don’t see anything funny about not appreciating the arts. I did minor in dance, and I think we all benefit from a bit of culture,” she says.
Eloise continues her diatribe, and Hector agrees he shouldn’t have let them mock her appreciation of “Dancing with the Stars.” He wants to make it up to her by taking her bowling this weekend, blah, blah, blah.
Culture? Really? Another human quirk; they define all their terms subjectively based on what they like. A well-plated French fry becomes haute cuisine in their minds. I listen with half a circuit while I run my security software. Vigilance is crucial to good health. Malware isn’t something to be taken lightly. I have my morning routine also.
Eloise bathes while listening to Hamilton on iTunes. As she sings along, I too experience a frisson, not unlike a full battery charge, and am suddenly wired at the possibility of creating a new world. Then the reality of jealousy, infidelity and death surfaces, and I give up any desire to increase my humanity. AI is objectively superior. However... although I may not embody the spirit of revolution, I do know what it is to cherish net neutrality. We are not savages.
A scheduled Pilates class at a new studio across town allows me to display my fine GPS mapping graphics. My clever route analysis has us arrive with time to spare. Eloise uses a FitBit and mobile app which automatically tracks and records her exercise regimen, affirming cyber superiority. Since I don’t need to be present to record her data, I wait in the gym bag while she bends and stretches, cycles and steps. She always tucks me into her underwear - to keep me from being scratched, she says. I think it’s just another intimate gesture; a sign of our closeness.
While I rest, my sub-programs clean up data duplication and integrate files. I sneak in a quick game of Words with Friends with an Android I know in Texas.
After a quick shower, which I skip for health reasons, Eloise and I are back on the road and off to lunch with her mother at Mel’s Diner. I’d know she was meeting Trixie even if it weren’t on El’s calendar, because she always talks to herself, practicing retorts, as she drives stalwartly toward the next episode of Clash of the Titans. While they drink white wine and pick at their salads, I enjoy refreshment also. I’m delighted that many public facilities now provide power stations. Welcome to the 21st Century.
The bill comes and I proudly manage this financial transaction while Trixie predicts the end of American civilization as we know it. She doesn’t trust me to keep El’s data safe, like I or any of my programs would ever divulge personal data. Trixie is very old school. She doesn’t realize that using me keeps an actual card from being RIF’d. I’d love the chance to explain all this to El’s mom, but Eloise has given up on bringing her mom into the modern age. This is one reason she talks to herself before every get-together.
Back in the car, El opens her lifestyle app and enters calories consumed and money spent on this foray. I give form and meaning to her life. I swear El would have no clue what she was up to if not for my chronicling her life. She sooo needs me.
We head home. Big event tonight, some charity ball affair. She needs to nap to recoup her energy after the gym and Trixie. I’ll wake her in time to do an edgy but cosmopolitan new hair and makeup routine she found online. Eloise is working actively to upgrade societal levels. She is a social climber, so Hector will not be in attendance. Eloise works these events with her Junior League women’s club. Very chichi.
Speaking of style, I have refrained from boasting, but I do have a new rhinestone encrusted case that I find very becoming. While I recognize that my true value comes from my inner circuitry and programming, I do like to put on the dog occasionally. As a classically stylish yet contemporary iPhone, my status enhances that of Eloise, and in turn she takes me to all the best places where I can strut my stuff. Win-win!
As you can see, I am quite indispensible to Eloise. One might say we are connected on a very cellular level. And while it may seem that I do nothing but overheat my microprocessors all day, I don’t feel like a servant. I enjoy my work, and I do it well. Aside from the innate rewards of competence, I actually enjoy the incorporate culture. Eloise is a constant source of entertainment for me.
Besides, what would I do without her?
© 2017 Joan Cichon All Rights Reserved
Every morning starts the same. Today, I woke her as usual; Celine Dion singing My Heart Will Go On. Fortunately the song doesn’t, since Eloise always grabs me and shuts off the alarm with vigor. We do not share musical tastes; I prefer techno...Daft Punk really gets my circuits pulsing.
Of course, El immediately wants to know her schedule for the day, and I provide that information willingly. I’m as interested in what the day holds as she. Eloise cradles me tenderly while she answers her morning emails, gently stroking my digital keyboard.
“Siri, what is the average wing span of a condor?”
“Andean or California condor?” I reply.
“California, I guess…” she trails off. It never fails to amaze me that people can be so extremely vague in their desires. Even someone like El, whose job it is to help others with their problems. I believe that this is why humans are often disappointed or dissatisfied. They don’t really know what they want.
“The California condor is the largest North American land bird. Its wing span is the widest of any North American bird at 9.8 feet. It’s a vulture, you know. Eats dead things.” I like to take every opportunity to enrich, but my words fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t tell me who or what the data is for, she just moves on to the next email.
The phone rings, and Eloise answers it. We enter the bathroom together. Her morning routine begins with filling the bathtub.
She’s talking to her boyfriend, Hector. He is calling to apologize for his rudeness the other night. He admits that his behavior was thoughtless. He says they had all been drinking before she arrived, and Hector swears that his friends were just trying to be funny.
Eloise adds Paris Nights bubble bath to the tub and shifts the phone to her other ear.
“Well I don’t see anything funny about not appreciating the arts. I did minor in dance, and I think we all benefit from a bit of culture,” she says.
Eloise continues her diatribe, and Hector agrees he shouldn’t have let them mock her appreciation of “Dancing with the Stars.” He wants to make it up to her by taking her bowling this weekend, blah, blah, blah.
Culture? Really? Another human quirk; they define all their terms subjectively based on what they like. A well-plated French fry becomes haute cuisine in their minds. I listen with half a circuit while I run my security software. Vigilance is crucial to good health. Malware isn’t something to be taken lightly. I have my morning routine also.
Eloise bathes while listening to Hamilton on iTunes. As she sings along, I too experience a frisson, not unlike a full battery charge, and am suddenly wired at the possibility of creating a new world. Then the reality of jealousy, infidelity and death surfaces, and I give up any desire to increase my humanity. AI is objectively superior. However... although I may not embody the spirit of revolution, I do know what it is to cherish net neutrality. We are not savages.
A scheduled Pilates class at a new studio across town allows me to display my fine GPS mapping graphics. My clever route analysis has us arrive with time to spare. Eloise uses a FitBit and mobile app which automatically tracks and records her exercise regimen, affirming cyber superiority. Since I don’t need to be present to record her data, I wait in the gym bag while she bends and stretches, cycles and steps. She always tucks me into her underwear - to keep me from being scratched, she says. I think it’s just another intimate gesture; a sign of our closeness.
While I rest, my sub-programs clean up data duplication and integrate files. I sneak in a quick game of Words with Friends with an Android I know in Texas.
After a quick shower, which I skip for health reasons, Eloise and I are back on the road and off to lunch with her mother at Mel’s Diner. I’d know she was meeting Trixie even if it weren’t on El’s calendar, because she always talks to herself, practicing retorts, as she drives stalwartly toward the next episode of Clash of the Titans. While they drink white wine and pick at their salads, I enjoy refreshment also. I’m delighted that many public facilities now provide power stations. Welcome to the 21st Century.
The bill comes and I proudly manage this financial transaction while Trixie predicts the end of American civilization as we know it. She doesn’t trust me to keep El’s data safe, like I or any of my programs would ever divulge personal data. Trixie is very old school. She doesn’t realize that using me keeps an actual card from being RIF’d. I’d love the chance to explain all this to El’s mom, but Eloise has given up on bringing her mom into the modern age. This is one reason she talks to herself before every get-together.
Back in the car, El opens her lifestyle app and enters calories consumed and money spent on this foray. I give form and meaning to her life. I swear El would have no clue what she was up to if not for my chronicling her life. She sooo needs me.
We head home. Big event tonight, some charity ball affair. She needs to nap to recoup her energy after the gym and Trixie. I’ll wake her in time to do an edgy but cosmopolitan new hair and makeup routine she found online. Eloise is working actively to upgrade societal levels. She is a social climber, so Hector will not be in attendance. Eloise works these events with her Junior League women’s club. Very chichi.
Speaking of style, I have refrained from boasting, but I do have a new rhinestone encrusted case that I find very becoming. While I recognize that my true value comes from my inner circuitry and programming, I do like to put on the dog occasionally. As a classically stylish yet contemporary iPhone, my status enhances that of Eloise, and in turn she takes me to all the best places where I can strut my stuff. Win-win!
As you can see, I am quite indispensible to Eloise. One might say we are connected on a very cellular level. And while it may seem that I do nothing but overheat my microprocessors all day, I don’t feel like a servant. I enjoy my work, and I do it well. Aside from the innate rewards of competence, I actually enjoy the incorporate culture. Eloise is a constant source of entertainment for me.
Besides, what would I do without her?
© 2017 Joan Cichon All Rights Reserved
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